The Top Ten Craziest Conspiracy Theories Ever: #1

Since some of these entries are getting long, I'm actually going to make this a series, releasing only one or two at a time. I've had a lot of fun revisiting some of those. :)

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1. Drunvalo Melchizedek

While the typical item on this list is a particular pet theory of a single person or small group of people, this first one is quite a bit different: Drunvalo Melchizedek's life itself could be described as something like a giant cosmic conspiracy, spanning the entirety of space and time.

The first major public appearance of Drunvalo Melchizedek was in 1994, in Bob Frissell's epic book Nothing in This Book is True, But It's Exactly How Things Are. The book would become quite popular in New Age and conspiracy circles, due to its matter-of-fact musings on everything from Atlantis, aliens, man-made structures on Mars, and cattle mutilations to, not least, Drunvalo Melchizedek and sacred geometry. Frissell gives us a candid introduction to Melchizedek:

Just who is Drunvalo Melchizedek? Let me begin by telling you about Drunvalo's great-great-great-grandfather, Machiavinda Melchizedek. Machiavinda was the person assigned from Galactic Center to be with us. He has been here from the very moment we were created.

Machiavinda Melchizedek made an appearance earlier (under the name Machiventa Melchizedek) in The Urantia Book, another popular New Age book in the 1950s that was the cornerstone of something that would become somewhat of a small religion (the Urantia Foundation). The Urantia Book was a massive text, worked on by many authors, who had been instructed by superior intelligent beings in the Universe to produce an Earth citizen's guide to the Universe, and everything we had missed out on so far. Not bothering to try to explain its insanely confusing astronomy, suffice it to say that The Urantia Book's main goal was revealing, for the first time, the authorities involved in the central administration of Universe.

The third part of The Urantia Book is about the history of Earth--which apparently is known as Urantia abroad in the universe. Paper 93 in Part 3 brings us some info on the Melchizedeks:

The Melchizedeks are widely known as emergency Sons, for they engage in an amazing range of activities on the worlds of a local universe. When any extraordinary problem arises, or when something unusual is to be attempted, it is quite often a Melchizedek who accepts the assignment. The ability of the Melchizedek Sons to function in emergencies and on widely divergent levels of the universe, even on the physical level of personality manifestation, is peculiar to their order. Only the Life Carriers share to any degree this metamorphic range of personality function.

...

Revealed truth was threatened with extinction during the millenniums which followed the miscarriage of the Adamic mission on Urantia. Though making progress intellectually, the human races were slowly losing ground spiritually. About 3000 B.C. the concept of God had grown very hazy in the minds of men.

...

And it was in consequence of having been thrown so completely on their own resources that Machiventa Melchizedek, one of the twelve planetary receivers, volunteered to do that which had been done only six times in all the history of Nebadon: to personalize on earth as a temporary man of the realm, to bestow himself as an emergency Son of world ministry. Permission was granted for this adventure by the Salvington authorities, and the actual incarnation of Machiventa was consummated near what was to become the city of Salem, in Palestine.

Don't know what other information there is about the Melchizedeks in The Urantia Book, but, bringing us back to the Frissell's book, more light is shed: in 1972, what are in effect the "custodians" of our corner of the galaxy, responsible for overseeing us, decide to send four emissaries to Earth. Drunvalo was among these:

[Drunvalo] was chosen because of his longstanding experience in the Melchizedek Order in the thirteenth dimensional realm. He had been there almost from the beginning, or about 10 billion Earth years. He had almost no awareness of polarity consciousness and was dispatched here because of that, because of his innocence.

Drunvalo came as what is called a "walk-in." Another person occupied his body until Drunvalo was ready to use it. That person undertook certain training and schooling that Drunvalo was later able to use. This was all done by agreement. It is illegal, according to universal law at the highest level, to take over a body any other way. The person who left his body for Drunvalo to occupy was given something very special. Drunvalo did not say what it was other than that.

The body that Drunvalo Melchizedek (real name unknown) inhabited

That's all I'm quoting from Frissell's book, so the rest of the post is going to be coming from the writings of Drunvalo himself.

By 1970, Drunvalo (or rather, the person whose body Drunvalo would occupy) had graduated Kent State University, and moved to Canada. Here is Drunvalo's account of the events leading up to 1972:

While in Vancouver, my wife and I decided we wanted to know about meditation, so we started studying with a Hindu teacher who lived in the area. We were very serious in wanting to understand what meditation was about. We had made white silk robes with hoods and were very serious about this new endeavor we had begun.

Then, one day, after practicing meditation for about four or five months, two tall angels about ten feet high appeared in our room! They were right there. One was green and one was purple. We could see through their transparent bodies, but they were definitely there. We did not expect this appearance to take place. We were just following the instructions that our Hindu teacher was giving us. I don't believe he fully understood as he kept asking us many questions and he didn't seem to understand either. From that moment on, my life was never the same. It wasn't even close.

The first words the angels said were, "We are you."

...

Over a period of many years, [the angels] led me to about seventy different teachers. They would actually tell me the address and the phone number of the teacher I was to go see. They would tell me either to call first or just show up at his or her house. So I would do this—and it would always be the right person! Then I would be instructed to stay with that person for a certain length of time.

(from http://www.drunvalo.net)

(However odd it may seem for an angel to announce "I am you", this is not a particularly isolated incident among New Age writings--many New Age spiritualists and channelers contend that, among other things, even the entities they are channeling are merely an altered/future/higher-dimensional form of themselves)

One of the persons that the angels led Melchizedek to was a Canadian alchemist, who, "amongst other things, was actually turning mercury into gold (though it can also be done from lead, which is more difficult)." (The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life, Vol. 1, p. 28 [1999]) Drunvalo studied with the alchemist for several years, learning from him alchemy and spirituality. As the turning point in the book, Drunvalo describes what happened while meditating with his teacher one day:

We had been in this meditation for maybe an hour or two, a pretty fair length of time. Then something happened—something I had never seen before, ever! He kind of went fuzzy, then disappeared right before my eyes! He was just gone. I’ll never forget it. I sat there for a moment and didn’t know what to do. Then I hesitantly reached over and felt for him. There was nobody there. I thought, Wow! I was totally in astonishment. It blew my mind (as we would say in the ’60s and ’70s), it definitely did! I didn’t know what to do, so I just continued to sit there. Then pretty soon a different person appeared in front of me, somebody completely and absolutely different! It wasn’t even close. My alchemist teacher was about thirty-five years old and this guy was maybe sixty or seventy, and a lot shorter—maybe five feet three or four.

He was a little guy, and he looked Egyptian. He had dark skin and his hair was kind of long, but pulled back. He had a clean-shaven face except for a thick beard growing from his chin that was perhaps six inches long and tied in five places. He was dressed in simple tan-colored cotton clothing with long sleeves and pants and sat cross-legged facing me. After my shock wore off, I just looked into this person’s eyes. There I saw something I hadn’t seen before except in babies’ eyes. When you look into a little baby’s eyes, you know how easy it is because there’s nothing going on, no judgment, no nothing. You can just fall into their eyes, and they’ll fall into yours. Well, that’s what it was like to look at this man. There were just these big baby eyes in this old body. He didn’t have anything going on. I had an instant connection with this person, and there were no barriers. He touched my heart like no one had ever done before.

Then he asked me a question. He said there were three missing atoms in the universe, and did I know where they were? I had no idea what he meant, so I said, “Well, no.” Then he gave me an experience, which I’m not going to describe, that sent me way back in time to the beginning of creation and brought me forward again. It was a very interesting out-of-body experience. When I came back, I understood what he meant about the three missing atoms—at least I thought I did. And I said, “Well, I think what you mean is this,” and proceeded to tell him what I thought. When I finished, he just smiled, bowed and disappeared. A little later my alchemist teacher reappeared. My teacher didn’t know the change had taken place. Everything that happened seemed to be only in my experience.

I went away from that totally preoccupied with the experience. At the time, the angels had me working with four other teachers, so I was going from one to the next to the next, and my life was really full. But I couldn’t think about anything except this little man who had appeared to me. I never asked him who he was, and he didn’t return. Time went on, and finally the experience started to fade away. But I always carried the question, who was that guy? Why did he have me go look for those three atoms, and what was this all about? I had a longing to see him again, because he was the purest person I had ever met—ever. Twelve years later I found out who he was. It was Thoth. (Ancient Secret, p. 29)

Yes--Thoth, the Egyptian god of writing, science, magic, etc.:

But Egypt was by no means the beginning of Thoth--rather, Thoth "goes almost all the way back to the beginning of Atlantis. He figured out, 52,000 years ago, how to stay conscious in one body continuously without dying, and he has remained in his original body since then." (p. 29)

And by no means was 1972 the beginning of Drunvalo Melchizedek either. A few pages later, Drunvalo talks about Thoth's wife, "Shesat" (Seshat), and his relationship with her over the millenia:

She’s a most extraordinary person—in some ways at least as extraordinary as Thoth, if not more so. She was the first person to bring me consciously to Earth, which was in, roughly, 1500 B.C. I was not physically here, but we had made a conscious link across the dimensions. She connected with me because of problems the Egyptians were having within their country that, from her point of view, would eventually affect the whole world and the outcome of humanity. We worked very closely together. (p. 31)

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There are way too many ideas in this book to cover, but I'm going to try to highlight some of the more insane ones. Drunvalo says that almost all of the information contained within the book was transmitted to him telepathically by Thoth; I don't think most of the information is so unique; I think a good amount of it can actually be found in Zechariah Sitchen's books on Sumer and Egypt (who will be #6 or so on this list). Later in the book, Drunvalo says "...after Thoth left in 1991, I became aware of Zecharia Sitchin, read his works, and found out that Sitchin’s and Thoth’s information were almost perfect fits—so perfect it just couldn’t be a coincidence."

Indeed, not a coincidence, I say.

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On Earth, according to Thoth, there are five totally different steps or levels of life that each human is going to pass through. When we reach the fifth level, we will make a transformation that transcends known life itself. That’s the normal pattern. Each one of these levels of consciousness has many aspects that are different from the other levels. First, they have different chromosome levels. The first level of human consciousness has 42 + 2 chromosomes; the second level has 44+2 chromosomes; the third one has 46 + 2; the fourth, 48 + 2; and finally 50 + 2. Each level of human consciousness has a different body height associated with it. (This might sound kind of funny if you’ve never heard it before.)

The first level of 42 + 2 has a range of height somewhere between four and maybe six feet. The people who fall into that category specifically are the Aborigines in Australia, and I believe that certain tribes in Africa and South America also do.

The second level of consciousness has 44+2 chromosomes, and that’s us. Our band of height is about five to seven feet. We’re a little taller than the first group. The third level’s height goes up considerably. The 46+2 chromosome level interrupts the Reality through what you could term unity or Christ consciousness. That range of height is from about ten to sixteen feet tall.

Then there’s another range for the fourth level of consciousness—the 48 + 2s—who have a height of about 30 to 35 feet. The final band, the perfected human, is between 50 and 60 feet tall. They have 52 chromosomes. I suspect that the reason there are 52 cards in a deck is related to those 52 chromosomes of the potential of man. For those of you who are Hebrew, you might remember that Metatron, the perfect man—that which we will become—was blue and 55 feet tall. (pp. 66-67)

Melchizedekian Attempt at Egyptology, Take 1

50 to 60 foot tall humans, you say? On what planet? When?

Oh, wait...

oh no...

noooooooo!

This is Abu Simbel [Fig. 4-11] in Egypt ... Notice how very tall these statues are; this was the actual height of these beings! Compare it to the size of the tourists near the bottom right in the photo. If these stone folks were to stand up, they would be in that 60-foot range, which indicates that they were at the fifth level of consciousness. (p. 119)

:)

No New Age/conspiracy fuckfest would be complete without some crazy shit involved the Great Pyramids of Giza, and how they were built by an enslaved race of aliens from Nibiru or some shit (there's plenty of that in the book, too). Let's see what he has to say:

So Thoth and friends went to the very spot where the unity-consciousness vortex exited the Earth. This point was about a mile away from where the Great Pyramid sits in the desert today, but then it was out in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a rain forest. Centered right over the axis of this vortex on the Earth, they created a hole extending approximately one mile into the Earth, lining it with bricks. It took only a few minutes or so, because they were sixth-dimensional beings, and whatever they thought always happened. It was that simple.

Once the hole aligned with the unity axis was created, they mapped the ten Golden Mean spirals that emerged from the hole and located where they moved above the Earth. They used the hole as the axis, starting far down, and mapped the spirals of energy as they moved up out of the hole and extended into space. One of the spirals exited the Earth not far from the present Great Pyramid. Once they found it, they built a little stone building in front of the hole; that building is the key to the entire Giza complex. Then they built the Great Pyramid.

According to Thoth, the Great Pyramid was built by himself, not Cheops. Thoth says that it was completed about 200 years prior to the shifting of the axis. The apex of the Great Pyramid, if the capstone were in place, sat exactly on the curve of the spiral. They lined up the center of the hole with the south face of the stone building and the north face of the Great Pyramid. It has amazed surveyors who have looked at this. Though these structures are a mile away from each other, the south face of the stone building and the north face of the Great Pyramid are in perfect alignment. They do not believe that we could do it any better today even with our modern technology.

MOTHER OF GOD.

Of course, Melchizedek's faux Egyptology also wouldn't be complete without a redating of the building of the Sphinx—dated to about 2500 BCE by mainstream scholars—but usually redated by conspiracy theorists to correspond to after the destruction of Atlantis in 15,000 BCE or some shit. Let's see when he redates it to:

The Sphinx is not far away from the Great Pyramid. According to The Emerald Tablets and Thoth, the Sphinx is much, much older than the 10- to 15,000 years estimated by John Anthony West ...

According to Thoth, the Sphinx goes back at least five and a half million years. I guess eventually that will be brought forth, because he hasn’t been wrong about anything yet. Even John Anthony West secretly suspects that it is a great deal older than 10- to 15,000 years. He wasn’t concerned with making speculations into the millions of years; he just wanted to get it well past the 6000-year mark, because that will crack our previously accepted Earth history. He and his team have now done that, and later, I believe, they’ll try to push the date back further as they introduce more evidence.

WHAT?

I'm done.

DONE.